Everything You Need To Know....About Ho Ho Hoes!

'Tis the season to be jolly, gentleman! The holiday season is a magical time of spiritual serenity and peaceful togetherness. It is the season to join hands with one another and sing the praises of the glory of Christ. And, it is the one month of the year where all young men must embrace peace and fork over hundreds of dollars for jewelry to pay their Pussy Toll.

Pussy Tolls are taxes every young man must pay by December 25th in order to renew their subscription to sex for another year. The theory goes like this:

Beginning in the month of May, young women emerge from their cocoons of bulky sweaters and yoga pants to begin their five-month molting season. In order to compete with one another for the choicest mates, the delicate and beautiful Young Woman is forced to embrace short skirts and tank tops, paint her toenails and learn to laugh at corny jokes. (A small aside: the curious young man will be interested to know that these summer months are feared by clothing manufacturers, who dread the annual cyclical Hemline Recession.)

While in the midst of ravaging the economy, this locust cloud of half-dressed college girls will descend on your city, buzzing angrily in search of dick and approval from their fathers. During these magical summer months, the industrious young man can farm and harvest pussy effortlessly with a nothing more than a couple daiquiris and a butterfly net.

But the astute young man will not get swept up in the majesty and splendor of the Summer Slut Migration. The prudent young man will remember that a storm is brewing on the horizon, and will be sure to store some extra pussy for the long winter months.

Hunkering down for the long winter ahead usually involves choosing one of your conquests to keep as a concubine as autumn descends. As the final leaves change colors and fall, so too do the days of exposed legs and plunging v-necks. Breasts and thighs enter their long phases of hibernation, and sex lives around the world ice over. By choosing one girl to keep warm and protected, the industrious young man can keep his sex life alive until the sweet rays of spring can shine upon him once more.

The Winter Girlfriend is generally considered to be a wonderful investment. Winter months are cold and inhospitable to expensive dates. They are conducive to "nights in" and "cuddling" and other situations whereby sex can easily be withdrawn tax-free. But again the astute young man will spot the stormclouds on the horizon and remember that there are no free rides in love.

Christmas is like a big ugly bookie beating your door down to pay up. It is the one day of the year where a young man is expected to trade expensive jewelry for cheap novelty socks and ties. The curious young man will appreciate that the novelty sock and tie industry experiences an annual boom each year as Winter Girlfriends realize they know nothing about the boyfriends they claim to like so much.

Unfortunately, it is inadvisable at this point to ignore the impetus to drop your hard-earned dollars on Christmas presents. Christmas has been strategically placed on the calendar to exert maximum pressure on the poor hapless Young Man. There are still five months before the next generation of Summer Sluts emerge. The opportunity cost incentive stacks heavily in favor of paying the Pussy Toll. It is vital to keep your concubine happy and healthy and fighting fit, at least until you drop her on February 1st.

Everything You Need to Know... About Earth!

In this new global landscape lush with Green Alternative this and Renewable Clean-Burning that, the socially-conscious young man will often find himself asking not, "What can I do for my planet?" but rather, "Why am I constantly being beaten to a pulp by stronger, braver, more attractive men?".

The answer usually has to do with the following Scientific Fact borrowed from Doctor Medicine's Lab-Tested Factbook:

Testosterone production is inversely proportional to the number of vegetables consumed. (Fig 17.5)

However, recently a disturbing new trend has been developing in America, an evil which every patriotic young man must take heed of if he is going to continue to operate at peak sexual fuel-efficiency: Environmentalism.

Environmentalism is defined in Webster's dictionary as An insatiable thirst to boss others around and to derive false pride and empowerment from meaningless tasks. See also: religion

Environmentalists believe that every sheet of toilet paper should be passed around and reused among friends, and that every drop of wasted water should be punishable by public execution. They have calculated that each tree's life is worth exactly 47 human lives, and that raccoons are their friends.

They also hold the curious belief that women are attracted to long-haired unemployed drug-abusers cry-walking in leather Birkenstocks, all of which have been scientifically proven to contribute to vaginal cooling on an alarmingly global scale.

However, the opportunistic young man will by now have noticed an unintended benefit of the Green movement: the complete lack of testosterone in the hippie gene pool has created a virulent strain of sex-starved hipster girls, parading around and sticking their butts out like rutting baboons.

These lovely specimens of female desperation are so sick of fumbling with the zippers on boys' skinny jeans that they'll jump into bed with you after one Vanilla Mocha Chai Latte 3000!

"But how," you are bound to ask, "can I find one of these poor sad lonely horny hipster girls?"

The prodigious young man is always prepared to expand his prowl to new territories. Thus, for your consideration, gentlemen:

• Bus stops -- Every self-loathing young hipsterella believes in the virtues of public transportation. Think how much happier she would be cruising around in your convertible instead of cramming her sweet ass into a cheap plastic bus seat in between a homeless man and a trench-coat masturbater.
• Coffee shops -- Hipster girls are powerfully attracted to cheap leather seats and atmospheres of pretend intellectualism. Throw in a few snooty jerks on Apple laptops and three massive shots of elephant-dose caffeine, and you have a recipe for jittery success! Experts tip: Stand around the rack of CDs for sale, picking up and then scoffing audibly at each album in turn. If there's one thing hipster girls love even more than pretending to be cooler than they are, it's criticizing something that someone else actually put work into!
• Hipster bars -- There is no surer thing than a shitfaced hipster girl, the problem is finding the right bar. Look for poor lighting, terrible music, a musky smell, and a total lack of dancing or merrymaking. If you see lots of bored-looking shadows leaning against things, congratulations! You've hit the jackpot!

Once you've managed to locate the prey, it's time to move in for the kill. Even the most carnivorous young man can freely exploit the growing pool of hipster girls at frozen yogurt shops with confidence if he takes the time to follow a few simple steps to Green Up His Life.

• Go Organic: Chemicals hurt our fragile environment. Stop buying condoms.
• Recycle: Don't throw your one-night stands away. Keep their numbers, and booty call them again some time next month.
• Cut Back: It's important for each of us to minimize our carbon footprint by paying for as few dates as possible. Cut to the chase and bang her quick!

Armed with this advice, dear reader, you too can help Save The World! Captain Planet awaaaaaay!

Everything You Need to Know...About Cars!

Every young man should make it a priority to obtain a beautiful sexy sports car. After all, a young man's automobile is an extension of himself. Given your bad manners and lousy personal hygiene, it is vital to present a shiny, polished, perfectly maintained ride if you have any hope at all of making a good first impression!

This fundamental law of the universe can be expressed with the formula:

Pussy Attained = Earned Pussy Average * MSRP of Car Driven

where "Earned Pussy Average" is defined as the statistical likelihood that a woman will be attracted to your beer gut and lousy personality.

Note, therefore, that the price of the car you drive can, in many cases, be the only determining factor in how wet you get your dick! (Note also that the size of your Star Wars action figure collection does not factor into the equation.)

The astute young man will now notice a problem inherent to society. "But," the astute young man will say, "with my crappy job and my drinking problem I cannot possibly afford to buy a sexy snazzy new sports car!"

Aaah, not to worry. The price of BUYING a sexy sports car presents a tremendous problem, but the ambitious young man is not to be so easily discouraged. After all, even the 1987 Ford Shitbucket you've been lugging your skis around in has the potential to make you a vaginal millionaire!

The first step to transforming your steaming pile into a pussy factory is rust removal. Most car magazines reccomend using little squares of steel wool to scratch away all the rust built up on the sides of your car. The efficient young man will notice that it is much simpler to scrape your car against other parked cars at high speed. Look out your side-view mirrors. If you see showers of sparks, you're doing it right! Crank up the tunes, pop open a beer, and keep cruising!


Once you've managed to scrape away all of the rust, and at least some of that awful burgundy paintjob, you're ready to start pimping your ride.

There is nothing that girls love more than riding shotgun in a snazzy convertible. This is because women need to constantly equalize the air pressure outside with the emptiness of their skulls. If you don't want your little lady friend's head popping open like yesterday's birthday balloons, getting the roof off of your ride needs to be priority one.

To accomplish this task, you will need to dip into your Bare Necessessities Young Man's Survival Kit (see pg 76, fig. 3). Specifically, you will need your trusty chainsaw and a six-pack of beer. Most mechanics, lumberjacks, scientists and responsible members of society would reccomend at this time that you wear safety goggles, but it's been my experience that any incidental blindness caused will usually serve to increase a young man's mating pool. After all, if you can't see her, what do you care!

After you've successfully torn the roof off of your car, stand back to admire your handiwork. You will begin to notice a tremendous aura of sex appeal wafting from its cracked puce leather bench seats. You are close to achieving the elusive Cool Ride. Apply the following finishing touches where applicable to complete your ugly duckling's transformation:

• If you are missing one hub cap, rip the other three off. It's a lot cheaper than buying a replacement. The same goes for fenders, doorknobs, windshield wipers, radio knobs and headlights. The idea is to create an aesthetically pleasing sense of symmetry and flow.
  



• If your engine tends to overheat, and you frequently find black smoke pouring into the passenger cabin, take the time to stash some incense and potpouri under the hood. It shows that you're thoughtful, which should impress any woman, or at least make her sufficiently envious and want to figure out how you managed it.
  



• If you can't afford all four tires, don't worry! You can still put your car up on cinderblocks in the front yard and wait for the babes to come flocking to you.

Armed with these tips and guidelines, the industious young man should now be well on his way to a floodstorm of wild orgies. Although, chances are he might have to walk to them.

Everything You Need to Know...About College

A young man's college years are some of the greatest years of his life. Even young men who would otherwise be considered dull, out-of-shape, unambitious and unpleasant can expect to be treated to four years of great sex and bottomless beer!

Basic social etiquette and rudimentary personal hygiene are not required. For many young men, college might be the last time they can reasonably expect to ever get laid!

Leading Pretend Research suggests that the reason for this unexpected four-year spike in beta-male sexual achievement lies in the beautiful emergence of the virgin butterfly that is the innocent and intoxicated Young College Girl. College girls have vine-ripened to their optimal peak prime of physical attractiveness, loosely defined moral character, and overall ignorance to the blinding fact that they can do better. It should thus be the goal of every young man to swoop in on these girls like R Kelley at Disneyland to pluck the sweet fruits of no labor.

Thus, in order to make the most of this limited window of harvesting opportunity, it is crucial that every young man educate himself on the world of higher education.


The first rule to playing college ball: The Second Mouse Gets the Cheese. Plenty of hot girls who are well out of your league are involved with douche bag boyfriends who are bound to screw everything up! Your job is to make friends with these girls and wait for the inevitable breakup. Every young man should perfect the art of circling like a friend-vulture ready to descend at a moment's notice to feast on the carcass of a failed relationship. There is nothing more satisfying than sloppy seconds! The best part is, you don't have to buy her anything or take her anywhere! She'll be glad just to have you there to help her through this difficult time.

Meanwhile, while you cultivate these friendships and wait for the desperation to blossom, you can busy yourself with a second major pool of female mating contenders--the Drunk Messes.

The elusive "Sure Thing"

Drunk girls are abundant in number and easily conquested. Even the most unattractive young man should be able to snag the occasional booze-soaked and cross-eyed honey on his hook! The average drunk girl can easily been fooled into thinking you are substantially funnier and better looking than you really are. If you pony up to buy her a couple of well drinks while you slather on the charm, you might even be able to trick her into thinking that you are rich, generous, and full of relationship potential!

Of course, the downside to the drunk girl is she will inevitably sober up, and, with minimal emotional scarring, elect never to sleep with you again. If you are particularly handicapped in the sack, you can also expect to scratch all of her friends off of your list of potentials! Thus, boozehounding is a largely unsustainable activity, and the prudent young man will not make it the centerpiece of his strategy.



Therefore, perhaps the real secret, the best way to achieve a sustained and satisfying level of sexual rapport throughout your college years, is just to be yourself. A young man should try his best to find a nice young girl to spend time with, one who he likes and who likes him. The young man should be himself, and allow himself to learn from and grow within a relationship built on love and trust and mutual respect.

Just kidding!

The real secret weapon to a sexcessful college experience is the platonic girl friend. It is important for every young man to make friends with a few girls who can provide reconnaissance, inspiration, leads, and even setups. A truly functional female friend can offer a segway into hitherto untapped potential! This link to the female world should never be underestimated or ignored.

Of course, the industrious young man will find a way to make use of even his most platonic female connections. You can always make new friends, so why pass up even a single opportunity to duplicitously double-cross at every turn? Remember, you only have four years in paradise before you're kicked out into the wide open sexual desert that is to be The Rest of Your Life!

Everything You Need To Know...About Feminism

Briefly, before we begin today's lesson, I would like to take a moment to review elementary school science lessons. For the uninformed reader, I offer up the following enlightening Interesting Facts:

• DID YOU KNOW THAT: A feminist is a magical creature who turns everything Annoying!

• DID YOU KNOW THAT: If you catch a feminist, she has to lead you to her Pot of Golden Bitterness!

• DID YOU KNOW THAT: If a feminist bites you, you turn into one!

• DID YOU KNOW THAT: Under United States Law, it is the Sworn Duty and Solemn Obligation of the feminist to Police The Internet!

And it is upon this last fact we will be focusing our attentions today. Earlier today, only hours ago, The Young Man's Guide to Good Living, colloquially known in most circles as "The Greatest Blog Ever Written" received its first piece of fan mail!

-----Original Message-----
From: Emily <betoma@gmail.com>
Sent: Wed , Aug 19, 2009 7:15 pm

Dear Asshole,

Please read my hilarious, internationally acclaimed sex/fashion blog. The internet isn't meant to be a bad standup comedy routine from the 80s, so I'd like to keep it free of your blog's trite cliches about how "men are like this, women are like that!".

Your blog contains the notion that (to paraphrase) "men don't care what you're wearing, they just want to see you naked." I was already familiar with that idea, though, because I read it one time in a Cathy cartoon. I always remembered it, because it seemed like such a fascinating insight into the human psyche. Just kidding, it's really fucking stupid!

I would recommend that you not continue to write a blog until you gain some appreciation for the fascinating multiplicity of human experience (male and female) on earth.



Also, you should probably take a women's studies class or something.

Regards,
Emily Bartlett Hines

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emily Bartlett Hines,

It has been over an hour since you last emailed me, and I have to admit I'm feeling a little confused about what to do next. I wish you would hire yourself out, I could use a conscience.

I have done some (only mildly excruciating) reading of your blog, and I feel I owe you an apology. My blog is entirely insensitive and sexist, and frankly I don't know where I ever got off writing such ignorant and stereotypical whoopy!




Luckily, I have you to be my inspiration. I have decided to give up my blogging career and go back to tasks more befitting of my gender. Manly things. Things like, to quote The Internet Gospel of Emily Bartlett Hines, "ummmmmmm...changing the oil in a car, or pounding a nail into a board, or something." I am happy to report that in the last hour I have pounded some 20 nails into this board, and boy howdy does it feel great! I'll leave the talking to the women-folk from now on, that's what you're good at.

I find you to be deeply charming, dear Emily Bartlett Hines. Nothing bewitches me quite like an angry feminist of the pasé Cosmopolitan let's-put-up-pictures-of-Mossimo-pumps-from-Target-and-call-this-a-fashion-blog variety.



It turns me on, Emily Bartlett Hines, and I can only assume you feel the same. After all, you were acting kind of forward by emailing me! The ball's in my court now, baby, and I can tell you I am armed and ready to pound your sour pussy like a mechatronic torque-wrench.

Hell, I'll even tell you I love you! I'll tell you I respect you for your mind! I'll let you have your own career and wear BDSM pantsuits! Whatever crazy kinky shit gets you off, baby! You name it!

With all my love,
The Future Mrs. Emily Bartlett Hines

Nobel Laureate, Women's Literature
Author, I'm Not Funny, Get Me Outta Here!
Voted Best Fuck, 693 Dumb Sluts With Nothing Valuable But Pussy To Offer To Our Corrupt And Patriarchal Society

Everything You Need to Know...About Sports

Sports are great for a young man's social life. A young athlete can always count on a good time. He will always have lots of great stories of personal triumph, and there will always be scores of hot cheerleaders crowding around waiting to be regaled with them!

Not only that, but every young athlete can also count on looking and feeling his best.

Hell, you don't even have to be a young athlete! You can get by just watching sports! You can regale less-hot girls at less-fun parties with stories of other young athlete's personal triumphs. You'll still do alright!

But if you're fat like me, and you only find yourself feeling competitive when there's one potato chip left in the bag, it can be hard to find interesting things to say to hot cheerleaders at those parties you don't get invited to. You might find yourself scraping the bottom of the barrel with exaggerated stories of giant wads of belly button lint.


And if you're broke like me, and you can't afford cable, it can be hard to follow the ESPN crowd. Conversations at parties can start to suffer.

You might find yourself struggling to remember which team Michael Vick went to. You might not even know who won the NBA championship this year! How are you gonna get laid now?

By all acounts, the nonathletic man is at a distinct disadvantage in the cutthroat jungle of competitive womanizing.

Luckily, I have devised a strategy.

Nine-tenths of the world's sports adhere to the following very specific formula:

Two (2) teams + Two (2) goals + One (1) ball + Gimmick = Sport

The teams and the ball, that's easy. The hard part is coming up with a good gimmick. Maybe you make your players bounce the ball every step and you hang their goal from a 12 foot post! Ha! You just invented basketball. Prepare to get laid.

Maybe you have to kick the ball and only Spanish people are allowed to be good. Maybe you have to all rocket around on frozen lakes wearing boots with knives glued to the bottom and whack the ball around with broken broom handles. Maybe you make the teams swim around in pools 12 feet deep! Maybe you make them ride horses! It's easy for the resourceful young man to invent a sport.

The next time you are at a party, dear fat poor reader, armed with this formula you will be ready. You can strut right up to the hottest girl there and tell her that you're the President and Acting Chairman of the PFA.

The soccer league?, she'll ask. No, no no. The Professional Fleeball Association, of course! The leading professional league of competitive Fleeball!

And what, she is bound to ask, is Fleeball? Oh, silly girl.

Fleeball, you will patiently and humbly explain, is a dangerous and demanding sport whose players must brave the elements on roller skates, balancing on thin wooden rails, slapping a small rubber ball with a big metal tube upfield, dodging their opponents swinging pillows, towards a large metallic goal filled with pudding.

Now that's a hell of a gimmick.

Fleeball, you will continue, is only the hottest new sport on the scene. Fleeball is the future of the great athletic tradition. Fleeball is assembling its first Olympic team, and you are the king at the throne of it all.

And she'll do anything to join you in your meteoric rise to sports fame and fortune! Seriously!

As the proud father of a brand-new sport, you'll never have to spend Saturday night knitting on the couch in your underwear again! And you don't have to move or eat right or do anything! Fuck, this is the best idea I've ever had! I don't know why I'm even letting you guys in on it!

Everything You Need To Know...About Women

Girls are a trip, huh? I've got a girlfriend. I don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

When you're a 20 year old young man bursting at the seams with hormones and wonderlust, girls can trip you out. Half the time I can't string together a sentence because my dick is doing jumping jacks!

This girl I'm seeing puts me through hell! Sometimes I feel like Anne Frank! But then she smiles at me and does something cute and I fall all the fuck over myself. Girls are tricky captors.

This girl I'm seeing, one day she says to me, "Glenn, why don't you ever do anything nice for me? So-and-so's boyfriend bought her a puppy! I want a puppy!" So I bought her a puppy. Then it got bigger. It's not cute anymore. Now I get to take care of it. Today it took a giant shit on my bathroom floor. I stepped in it on my way to the shower. I love girls!



This girl I'm seeing, she loves to complain that I don't take her out on extravagent dates in diamond-studded limosines to party with Forbes 500 celebrities. So for Valentine's Day, I plan a weekend getaway.

I booked a honeymoon suite at a cute bed n' breakfast at the beach, I had the concierge put rose petals on the bed, I made reservations at an expensive seafood restaurant and told the waiter to have a bottle of champagne on ice waiting for us. It comes time to get in my shitty car and leave, and what does she say? "I'm tired, let's stay home."

Girls are a trip, man. If you think I'm finished, you're not even close. See, girls speak a secret language that no man can understand!

Girls seem to be utterly clueless to this reality.

This girl I'm seeing, we went out on a date downtown last summer, probably around June. We passed by a swanky shop, and she oooohed and aaaahed over a necklace in the window. Six months later, she complained that I didn't get it for her for Christmas! How was I supposed to know?

The best thing about girls, though, is the way they make you feel. Something about being in love makes you think the sun only comes up to shine in her eyes. I swear, I walk around thinking this girl is ten feet tall.

This girl I'm seeing can erase any pain with the smallest smile. That's what's the craziest thing about girls.

Girls love to talk to everybody. A girl thinks that other people were put on this earth so she can have somebody to talk to. If you put this girl I'm seeing in a room with twenty strangers, it'll take her about six minutes to gather everybody into a circle so she can start yapping away about how insensitive and unspontaneous and thoughtless and cheap I am!

If you wanna get a girl a gift she'll love, find her a whole bunch of other people to talk to all day long. Take her to a support group. She'll love it.

This girl I'm seeing loves to dress up. She loves to put on cute little dresses with fun shoes and do all kinds of sexy stuff with her hair. I don't know why she does it, but boy I'm not complaining.

I get up in the morning and throw on something comfortable. I'm out the door in 30 seconds. I got tired of having to comb my hair, so I shaved my head. This girl I'm seeing makes a damn masterpiece of herself every day before she leaves the house. It's the greatest thing in the world!

But the thing about girls is, she's not doing it for me. I might enjoy it, but that's entirely incidental to the goal of the female groomer.

Girls like to get themselves all pretty so they can go out and compare themselves to other girls! This girl I'm seeing loves to point out other girls on the street and talk about their dresses and their makeup and whether they're cute or not.

I have learned that I am not to comment on these observations. I am not to look at these other girls, I am only supposed to stare at the floor and say "mmmmm". That's my job! I wish she would have just told me that from the start! We never would have had to fight!

This girl I'm seeing loves to make fun of me. She likes to get all her friends together and talk about all the stupid things that I do. Every time I walk into her apartment I feel like I have to hide my face, because all of her roommates have heard about that time I farted in the movie theatre!

I think that the best thing about being a guy is that I get to watch all of this stuff going on and I get to play dumb about it. I don't have to say a word! I love it!

This girl I'm seeing brings entertainment into my life like you wouldn't believe. I couldn't spend a day without her! She does so much to brighten up my life!

My buddies all have the same girl troubles I do, but they all sit around and grumble about it. That's their problem, they take it all so personally. They don't understand, that's just how girls are, man! Lay back and enjoy it. It's actually pretty adorable, once you get used to it. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

But just out of curiosity, have they figured out whether gay is a choice or not?